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Still awake. Haunted by our failure. No forgivness. No trust. Shut out so early, quickly never recovered. I feel a fool for believing anything might pan out against my better judgement. I can never again take a chance that doesn't feel right. Never again accept someone with those lifestyle differences. Never again tolerate the yelling and fighting and crying and feeling like an ugly, worthless zombie denied your acceptance and love. Is it my fault that we failed because I wanted more than us at the beginning or yours for staying and not heeding or respecting my warnings. I'm holding out for therapy like I promised and the time constraint I presented which ends April 2. It seems so far away but the last 3 have gone so fast with so little improvement. The rollercoaster is destroying my heart and guts and I should reward myself with sainthood if I make it to April. Right now I feel done. I am so hardened toward you. Your fear has pushed me miles away and continues to do so. I could forgive if there was acknowledgement, and some offer of change. A few days without fighting every few weeks over the last year is not a relationship. I don't want your money or to fuck other people. I just want your respect and consideration, your support and warmth. It's impossible and so are we. It is so sad. I planne don never getting married from a very young age. I changed so much to try to be better for you. I can't live for anyone else. You find me selfish when I gave up everything. Now I will fend for myself and accept nothing from you. You didn't trust my fidelity for years because you knew it went against my nature. That level of suspicion and criticism felt no different when I finally did almost slip in anger and defiance of your rejection. Now I remove your shackles of expectation and will rediscover myself as an individual, sexual being, and all around worthwhile human being. I hope your life goes where you want it. I hope you grow and love someone without projecting your self-hate on them. I wish you would read this, cry, apologize, take me away, fuck me, love me, never raise your voice local ladies seeking nsa lonely horney wives or use a harsh word again and make some friends. I wish you would get excited over anything social or me. I wish you would work out and motivate me to do the same instead of criticizing my lack of motivation. I wish you would tell me that we would work it out, you love me, accept me and trust me to make my own choices. I wish you were open o anything enough to find this. Its a dream. I need to wake up. I messaged you tonight from an anonymous email wondering if you could connect with me without my face to be angry at. Maybe that makes me crazy and manipulative or maybe it's just my grieving process... Confirming to myself that there's nothing positive left between us except that too scarce moment when you wring orgasms from me and relax for a moment when we actually connect and I allow you to use me because it's all you'll accept. I want more. To be able to give more. To feel wanted. I deserve that. I'm a good person who can love. You know it, yet you wont believe it. There's nothing more I can do. I had so little to give when you insisted I be with you and it went to shit before I was normal again. I'm still there. I can't destroy myself quite the way I was doing when you met me, but I still feel that. You quieted my acting out, but it's all still under the surface. Three years later and I am still used, not asserting and not loving myself enough to keep my illness well managed. It can't be this way anymore. If you drag me through a messy divorce I will crack and not forgive you for a long, painful time. My life begins now. You could still be in it if you could accept pain for a moment and give a shit about us. I have little hope. It's so damn sad. I couldn't save you or you me no matter how much we wanted to.
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